The setup: I made Lucy a very ordinary peanut butter and jelly sandwich...low fat peanut butter, grape jelly, whole wheat bread (with extra fiber!)
Lucy: Mom, you make the best sandwiches in the whole world. I bet you could win a prize at the fair for your sandwiches.
The setup: I set the girls' lunch down in front of them and before you could blink an eye, Elaine started sampling hers.
Me: Hey, little missy. We usually thank God for our food before we just dive into it.
She gives me a naughty grin.
Me: Elaine, why don't you go ahead and pray first?
Lucy (accusingly): Yeah, especially since you ATE first.
The setup: I had possibly the largest zit ever, in the history of the world, on my chin. One of those dreadful red undergrounders. It was like, a cyst. I searched the Internet for some home remedies. I pressed a cold teabag against it at night and slathered it with plain white Colgate. Hello? Did everyone know about this but me? By morning it was almost gone. Anyway, while I was still sleeping, as usual, Elaine came in and woke me up.
Elaine: What dat on your face, Mom?
Me: I've got a sore on my chin.
She touches the dried toothpaste gingerly.
Elaine (in horrified voice): Oh.my.stars. Da doctor tell you do dat?
The setup: The girls were in the bathtub, playing with all of their Polly Pockets. I was sitting there, reading a magazine. I looked up to see them using the shampoo and conditioner on their dolls.
Lucy: We’re putting conditioner in the dolls' hair. They really need it. But we’re not wasting it all, so you don’t need to lose your chili, Mom.
The setup: I was rocking Elaine before bedtime. Her stuffed cat, aptly named Catty, was lying discarded under her bed.
Me: I see Catty under your bed. Actually I think I hear her crying. Don't you think you should go get her?
Lucy: I hear her crying too. I'll go get her for you.
Lucy retrieves the cat.
Me: Elaine, wasn't that nice of Lucy to get you Catty? She's so caring, isn't she? (I'm always trying to highlight their strengths).
Lucy: Yeah, Elaine. Definitely more caring than you are.
The setup: I'm rocking Elaine after her naptime. Are you seeing any sort of pattern here? This kid loves to be rocked. She loves to just rock in the glider, listening to music. I have no idea where she gets it from. Lucy was in my room, watching a Waltons episode.
Lucy: Elaine, come watch John-boy with me.
Lucy: Elaine, come in here, I'm watching the Waltons.
Lucy: ELAINE, you are missing this! Come in here!
Elaine (roaring): I didn't miss anything! I am having my Mommy Time!
The setup: Darren came upstairs from his office. He was wearing a white t-shirt (fine), denim shorts (fine), and black socks (sound of screeching brakes. Sorry, babe!)
Me: Oh my goodness. WHAT are you wearing? Why do you have those socks on?
Darren: Listen to that, Lucy. Mom doesn't like what I have on. I think maybe she doesn't love me.
Lucy: She does love you, Dad, I promise. She just wants you to dress right.
Happy weekend to all! Remember, dress right and don't lose your chili!