Friday, July 18, 2008

A Recent Quote Collection

The setup: I made Lucy a very ordinary peanut butter and jelly sandwich...low fat peanut butter, grape jelly, whole wheat bread (with extra fiber!)

Lucy: Mom, you make the best sandwiches in the whole world. I bet you could win a prize at the fair for your sandwiches.

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The setup: I set the girls' lunch down in front of them and before you could blink an eye, Elaine started sampling hers.

Me: Hey, little missy. We usually thank God for our food before we just dive into it.

She gives me a naughty grin.

Me: Elaine, why don't you go ahead and pray first?

Lucy (accusingly): Yeah, especially since you ATE first.

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The setup: I had possibly the largest zit ever, in the history of the world, on my chin. One of those dreadful red undergrounders. It was like, a cyst. I searched the Internet for some home remedies. I pressed a cold teabag against it at night and slathered it with plain white Colgate. Hello? Did everyone know about this but me? By morning it was almost gone. Anyway, while I was still sleeping, as usual, Elaine came in and woke me up.

Elaine: What dat on your face, Mom?

Me: I've got a sore on my chin.

She touches the dried toothpaste gingerly.

Elaine (in horrified voice): Oh.my.stars. Da doctor tell you do dat?

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The setup: The girls were in the bathtub, playing with all of their Polly Pockets. I was sitting there, reading a magazine. I looked up to see them using the shampoo and conditioner on their dolls.

Lucy: We’re putting conditioner in the dolls' hair. They really need it. But we’re not wasting it all, so you don’t need to lose your chili, Mom.

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The setup: I was rocking Elaine before bedtime. Her stuffed cat, aptly named Catty, was lying discarded under her bed.

Me: I see Catty under your bed. Actually I think I hear her crying. Don't you think you should go get her?

Lucy: I hear her crying too. I'll go get her for you.

Lucy retrieves the cat.

Me: Elaine, wasn't that nice of Lucy to get you Catty? She's so caring, isn't she? (I'm always trying to highlight their strengths).

Lucy: Yeah, Elaine. Definitely more caring than you are.

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The setup: I'm rocking Elaine after her naptime. Are you seeing any sort of pattern here? This kid loves to be rocked. She loves to just rock in the glider, listening to music. I have no idea where she gets it from. Lucy was in my room, watching a Waltons episode.

Lucy: Elaine, come watch John-boy with me.

Lucy: Elaine, come in here, I'm watching the Waltons.

Lucy: ELAINE, you are missing this! Come in here!

Elaine (roaring): I didn't miss anything! I am having my Mommy Time!

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The setup: Darren came upstairs from his office. He was wearing a white t-shirt (fine), denim shorts (fine), and black socks (sound of screeching brakes. Sorry, babe!)

Me: Oh my goodness. WHAT are you wearing? Why do you have those socks on?

Darren: Listen to that, Lucy. Mom doesn't like what I have on. I think maybe she doesn't love me.

Lucy: She does love you, Dad, I promise. She just wants you to dress right.

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Happy weekend to all! Remember, dress right and don't lose your chili!

4 comments:

Ann-Marie said...

"More caring than you" totally ctracked me up. Those girls are better than a comedy troupe! I think you should send these into Reader's Digest. Could you use $400? 'Cuz I think you'd win!

Alice said...

Yeah, and of course it's more funny in person because you just can't get the exact inflections in print. Is Readers' Digest still around? 'Cuz I could totally go for some cash from these two monkeys. I'm gonna go check that out now!

Melanie said...

I love your quote posts! What Elaine said in response to the dried toothpaste is hysterical! I'm going to try and remember not to lose my chili this weekend - hope you have a good one too!

Juliet said...

Who needs Fibber McGee & Molly or Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis when you got Lucy and Elaine!

With all that laughter you will stay young forever!